When you’re going to have a baby,
The whole world has advice.
They’re all clamouring to pass it on
And they think they’re being nice.
But people don’t tell you the real stuff
They don’t want to be uncouth.
So I’m going to enlighten you;
It’s time you knew the truth.
To kick things off for starters,
The pain is a dead cert.
When a kid breaks out of your lady parts
It motherf***ing hurts!
You might not use your birth plan,
And you might need the drugs and the stiches
There’s a chance you will shout, and chuck stuff about
And refer to the midwives as “bitches.”
Childbirth will make you crazy,
But the midwives will know you regret it.
And then you’ll be ‘Mum’, with a hurty front bum
And a heart full of love, I would bet it.
Of course it’s VERY worth the pain,
The love you’ll feel’s amazing.
You’ll spend hours stoking tiny hands
And at the cherub gazing.
It’s true that people will try to ‘help’:
“This kid; how will you feed it?”
Tell them thank you for the tips,
But really you don’t need it.
Breast IS best, you can’t deny,
But it’s not the only option.
So if the boobies aren’t playing, that’s not nature saying
You should stick the kid up for adoption.
My next truth is a tricky one,
But I think it has to be said.
Sometimes you might get really sad
And struggle to get out of bed.
It’s okay not to be happy,
It’s okay to feel desperate and sad,
But reach out if you can, to the people you love:
Sister, partner, friend, mum or dad.
Because being a mum can be tricky
It’s tiring and long and unending.
It’s okay to have times when you just want to cry
And there’s nothing to gain by pretending.
Now for a slightly less serious truth.
Let’s deal with changing a nappy:
A naked bottom is like a time bomb,
Get it covered and make it snappy.
New parents talk about poo a LOT,
You’ll have detailed conversations,
About texture, colour, frequency
And the amount of urination.
Also, you might get wee in your face
It happens, so please understand,
And also you might end up catching a poo
As it launches from arsehole to hand.
But parenthood’s a brilliant mixture,
Of awesome, and tired, and cool
You’re playing, and teaching, and hugging, and bleaching
And singing and playing the fool.
You’re in charge of a person who’s growing each day
And there’s pressure to get that stuff right.
It’ll pull you up short in the morning,
And keep you awake in the night.
But if you worry, that’s a signal
That you’re probably doing okay,
So remember to blinking enjoy it
At least three or four times a day.
Let them jump in muddy puddles
Let them soak you in their bath,
And remember the joy of the best sound on earth
The infectious baby belly laugh.
Let’s not pretend that it’s easy,
It’s a whole heap of worry and strife,
But it’s also the best so let’s not get stressed
With our Brilliantly Ordinary life.