Stuff That No One Tells You


When you’re going to have a baby,

The whole world has advice.

They’re all clamouring to pass it on

And they think they’re being nice.


But people don’t tell you the real stuff

They don’t want to be uncouth.

So I’m going to enlighten you;

It’s time you knew the truth.


To kick things off for starters,

The pain is a dead cert.

When a kid breaks out of your lady parts

It motherf***ing hurts!


You might not use your birth plan,

And you might need the drugs and the stiches

There’s a chance you will shout, and chuck stuff about

And refer to the midwives as “bitches.”


Childbirth will make you crazy,

But the midwives will know you regret it.

And then you’ll be ‘Mum’, with a hurty front bum

And a heart full of love, I would bet it.


Of course it’s VERY worth the pain,

The love you’ll feel’s amazing.

You’ll spend hours stoking tiny hands

And at the cherub gazing.


It’s true that people will try to ‘help’:

“This kid; how will you feed it?”

Tell them thank you for the tips,

But really you don’t need it.


Breast IS best, you can’t deny,

But it’s not the only option.

So if the boobies aren’t playing, that’s not nature saying

You should stick the kid up for adoption.


My next truth is a tricky one,

But I think it has to be said.

Sometimes you might get really sad

And struggle to get out of bed.


It’s okay not to be happy,

It’s okay to feel desperate and sad,

But reach out if you can, to the people you love:

Sister, partner, friend, mum or dad.


Because being a mum can be tricky

It’s tiring and long and unending.

It’s okay to have times when you just want to cry

And there’s nothing to gain by pretending.


Now for a slightly less serious truth.

Let’s deal with changing a nappy:

A naked bottom is like a time bomb,

Get it covered and make it snappy.


New parents talk about poo a LOT,

You’ll have detailed conversations,

About texture, colour, frequency

And the amount of urination.


Also, you might get wee in your face

It happens, so please understand,

And also you might end up catching a poo

As it launches from arsehole to hand.


But parenthood’s a brilliant mixture,

Of awesome, and tired, and cool

You’re playing, and teaching, and hugging, and bleaching

And singing and playing the fool.


You’re in charge of a person who’s growing each day

And there’s pressure to get that stuff right.

It’ll pull you up short in the morning,

And keep you awake in the night.


But if you worry, that’s a signal

That you’re probably doing okay,

So remember to blinking enjoy it

At least three or four times a day.


Let them jump in muddy puddles

Let them soak you in their bath,

And remember the joy of the best sound on earth

The infectious baby belly laugh.


Let’s not pretend that it’s easy,

It’s a whole heap of worry and strife,

But it’s also the best so let’s not get stressed

With our Brilliantly Ordinary life.


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